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Brothers and Sisters,
I’ve have less than two weeks left in Louisville, and I’m not sure how to respond. I feel like the enemy has been attacking me by manifesting deep setting doubts and fears about relationships and God Himself. I honestly feel like I don’t know what I’m doing anymore or what to think. I feel plagued with confusion and a sense of not knowing what God really wants. It’s surely been a battle, and it continues to be one. Jeff St. has been discouraging from the disrespect men have continuously shown me by making sexual comments or trying to intimidate me, often resulting me getting angry and crying once everything is finished. This month has been an emotionally intense month as I have faced discouraging and frustrating situations at the day shelter and as I have looked forward to seeing Philip (whom I have been dating since last October, but have not seen since January). The day Philip arrived in Louisville after riding the Greyhound for 24 hours, I was serving in the day shelter that morning, and I had an emotional breakdown. Within ten minutes, two men had disrespected me, one with a sexual comment and one with a more physical intimidation as he cornered me while working in the storage closet. I hadn’t verbally shown anger with the first man, but did with the second man. For as I felt threatened, I became angry with him and then after rebuking him and feeling anger overcome me, I ran into the other corner of the closet as other staff members handled the situation. I couldn’t handle it, I was shaking and crying. I was scared and angry and unsure what to do. All of this happened the day Philip was arriving, the day I was supposed to be overjoyed at seeing him.
After Philip arrived, I was once again overtaken by the emotions of not knowing how to respond. I hadn’t seen him in over six months. They weren’t bad emotions, but unfamiliar ones. As Philip and I spent more time together over a span of several days, we were able to talk honestly and become vulnerable with one another about our emotions. We shared doubts about our relationship, and a few of our words cut deep and caused us hurt. Immediately, the enemy was right there to meet us with more confusion and fear and anxiety about the future of our relationship. I am slowly working through these emotions as I reflect daily on Paul’s words in Philippians 4: 6-7 that declare: “Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Today, the same man that cornered me in the storage closet came in again and was angry with our staff. I ended up being angry with him again, only to spur him to further anger and foolish actions. I don’t know what God is teaching me, or if I can even begin to comprehend what He has already taught me here this summer. I know that these past weeks have been the hardest here, emotionally and spiritually. Please pray that God would continue to remove these emotions of fear, confusion, anger and anxiety because I know that He does not cause them. Pray that God would continue to bring me to a state of brokenness and in that brokenness that I would fall more in love with Him and grow in intimacy with Him. Pray for me as I look forward to returning home to all of you and returning to UNCG to be in fellowship with the community God has blessed me with there. Pray for everyone that I am leaving here in Louisville, that the harvest we have sowed would continue to be watered and eventually reaped, bringing forth great fruit to the glory of the one who makes all things grow.
I don’t want you to feel discouraged reading this newsletter. I think this is the simple reality of following Jesus, that we will be attacked by the enemy because he doesn’t want God to be glorified in our lives, and yet in our suffering, God remains glorified. Paul continuously talks about suffering and the privilege it is to suffer for the name of Christ [Phil. 1:29]. Paul says in Philippians 4:4, “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.” One scripture that I really love is 2 Corinthians 6: 3-10. It is simply beautiful. I want to leave you with it.
We are putting no obstacle in anyone’s way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we have commended ourselves in every way: through great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, holiness of spirit, genuine love, truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; in honor and dishonor, in ill repute and good repute. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet are well known; as dying, and see—we are alive; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
p.s.
I would like thank everyone for continuously praying for me this summer and supporting me financially. It has been a great blessing to receive cards and letters and to see everyone’s support. From donations, the HOPE team was richly blessed to raise over $50, 000 this year. I would like to ask that you consider continuing to donate to Jeff St., possibly supporting and encouraging future men and women serving with HOPE.
Grace&Peace,
Whitney
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